Winter Vacation 2011

One more class to teach in the afternoon today and I'll be on vacation!
a very much needed vacation in Thailand..
Going home to finish packing and heading out to spend the night at Sheng's after work.

I'm beyond excited to go and see my parents.
No words can describe how incredibly excited I am.

Anyway, I'll be taking lots of pictures- will post them after.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a very merry New Year, everyone!

Ready or not

2 weeks to make a decision went down to 1 day.
I was told yesterday that they'd like to know by today what my decision will be.
I quickly called my mom during my lunch break yesterday and gave her the news.
I'm sure she knew it was coming.
Got more emotional than I thought.
Take away the bills that I still need to pay off, then I'd be the happiest girl alive. because it would mean I can go home.. and not worry about not having a job to pay ..of course the monthly bills.
However, it would make life too easy right? taking bills away. It's like taking pain away from the world. Of course it would be easier to live without pain.. or without bills. But there would be no excitement. no hard decision-making. no traveling to the other side of the world to pay off bills. no adventure. the world could get pretty boring.
So, I made the decision to stay.
Talking to Sheng on skype last night made me realize that I knew I would be staying another year. I just couldn't admit to it. and I still can't. because honestly, I really want to go home. spend some time with my baby. and not seeing my family for another year. really? Can I really do that?
Can or.. cannot. I will have to. now.
I told them today that I will re-sign.
Here's to another year in Korea and to saving money (so I don't have to stay a third year).
FIGHTING!!
Oh and the first snow fall came today. It was light. and pretty. but it's freezing cold.

To stay or to leave.

As if lesson planning, teaching, and planning for Winter camp is not enough, I was told this morning that I need to figure out by the end of this month.. if I'll be re-signing or not. Where did the time go? How am I already starting my 9th month here..and needing to make a decision on staying or leaving?
A part of me wants to stay. A part of me wants to go.
Thinking about all the bills I could possibly pay off if I stayed another year.. makes me want to stay.
Then I look at pictures of my niece growing up so fast without me.. and I want to leave.

I had my heart set on staying for just one year. But now, I really don't know.

I miss my sister.

Had a busy weekend. like always.

Saturday: went to my Korean class, had coffee with my teacher,
shopped & ate pumpkin pie (@Starbucks) in Myeong dong,

shopped some more & had all-you-can-eat meat buffet in Ewha, took the subway all the way back to Choua's place, talked, and slept.

Sunday: woke up early, filmed in Ecclesia (church cafe), attended service (Did you know that only 0.21% of the population in Japan are Christians? AND there's so much prostitution happening with middle school and high school students. heart breaking. Also, I learned that there are 2 kinds of peace in the Japanese or Chinese language. Heywa is the peace you have when there's no trouble or difficulty. Heyon is the peace you have even in trouble or difficulty.), volunteered at the HaeShim orphanage around Seoul Stn.

In front of the orphanage.

This little guy got a little tired. It was cute watching him sleep.

Soobin! 

I met her the last time I went. Bought her candies.

She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug the moment she saw me.

This baby cried a lot. didn't want to go to anyone.

But I won his heart with my motherly ways :)

So, as you can tell from my Sunday schedule that I had no time to eat. I ran around all day long.

Not to mention, I started my period that morning (Sorry, that was too much information but it's important for the story I'm going to share). 

My cramps started to get really bad towards the end of our orphanage visit. I walked back to the station quickly, but by the time I got there.. I felt like I was about to die. I ran to use the restroom and then bought myself a black coffee (luckily there was a Dunkin' Donuts in the subway). I couldn't bear to stand up while waiting for them to brew the coffee so I squatted down next to the stand and waited. When I finally got it, the temperature of it didn't matter anymore. I chugged it, leaving my tongue feeling not-so-nice. I squatted down in front of the lockers & slowly found some strength to open my locker and get my bags out (I had a ton of stuff with me). Took some pain relief medicine, drank more coffee, and remembered I had the pumpkin pie that Sheng and Choua had given to me. I had no forks..nothing. So, I used my fingers :/ 

[Btw, I think I have a high tolerance for pain. I really think I do.

But my cramps.. well, my cramps are just really really bad.

And, if you know me well.. you'd know that when I get hungry.. I get really hungry.. really fast.

and I have absolutely no strength to do anything at all.

So, I need food right away.]

Anyway, keep in mind..the whole time I'm chugging the coffee and pumpkin pie, I'm squatting down by the lockers with my back turned towards the massive crowds that came every 5 minutes. I had no shame at that moment. I was in so much pain. I seriously felt like dying was a better option at that time.

FINALLY, after 10-15 minutes (which seemed like a year and a half) the pain slowly started to fade. I needed to get home..to eat food. I didn't want to stop for food. I wanted to just come home.

So, I put my jacket on, grabbed my huge bags, and made my way to the subway. Not surprisingly, there were no seats on the train. I had to stand. and usually, I'm fine with it. This time was different. I needed to sit.. and if I couldn't sit on a seat.. I would need to at least be in a squat position because I was hungry, I had no strength, & I was still having cramps. However, being in a squat position in the train is pretty impossible... not just because there's no room but also because it's weird. Nobody ever squats on a train. So, I tried to hold myself up as best I could. I held the rail with my hand and rested my head on my arm. I started to feel dizzy.. and my legs felt like they were going to give up on me. Still, there were no seats. 

Then, I finally got to transfer to the next line. I felt better walking, but as soon as I got onto the train, I went right back to feeling the same way. Again, no seats. I stood closer to the people sitting this time.. in hopes of getting someone's seat. After about 3 stops, the lady in front of me was getting off. I thought to myself "I really really need to sit down," but right when I was about to sit, an older man walked up really quick and tried to sit before I did. He was older than me..so I was going to let him, but the ajumma who was standing next to me (the whole time I had my head down on my arm) pushed me right into the seat and told me to sit. She could probably tell by my face that I really wasn't feeling too good. 

A few stops after, I got off at my station and cabbed home. 

My sister was still up so I skyped with her and told her about how I almost died.

I told her and then quickly got up, turned around, & cried. 

If she was here, things would've happened so differently. She wouldn't have let me go the whole day without eating.  I wouldn't have felt like I was going to die.. because I knew someone would be there to catch me if I was to collapse.  

I miss you Pader.

Now, I obviously knew I wasn't really going to die, but I wasn't sure how much pain my body could take..especially with no food in my stomach. So, I honestly was very afraid that I could pass out and if I did, I don't know what would or could happen. 

But God seriously loves me.

He knew how much I needed that seat. 

He brought random people to help me. 

He helped me find enough strength to get back home... all in one piece.

Just like Thanksgiving Day.

I thought I was going to have to eat dinner all by myself.

But my student's mom picked me up after work.. and took me out with them to have some delicious noodles at a chinese restaurant. I didn't realize it until I got home, but that was my Thanksgiving dinner :)   

No matter how tough things get for me here..

He's taking care of me.

always has and always will.

be still. listen. rejoice.

I told myself to not think about home so much.. the very minute I landed here
I told myself that I chose to come on my own. I chose to live across country from my family & friends.
I did everything on my own.
If I miss anyone. or anything. it would be my fault and no one else's.
So, don't complain. don't regret. don't miss home.
In order to do that, I had to keep myself busy.
Luckily, work helped a lot. I had tons of prepping to do at home the first few months I was here. considering the fact that I've never written or even seen a lesson plan before coming here.
Even now. I have work to do sometimes.
When I don't have work, I watch korean dramas. taiwanese dramas. grey's anatomy. thai lakorn.
When I'm not watching them, I'm in Seoul with my friends. usually eating.

I've kept myself pretty busy. leaving little time for me to miss home.

Sadly, it has become a bad habit of mine. to always find something to do.
I want to just sit. think. listen.
I want to find that peace I found last Summer at SALT in Nebraska. on a bench. by the lake.
I want to be still and hear God speak.
Francis Chan spoke about it. For us to be still. do nothing. just rejoice in the Lord.
How can something so simple be so hard?
Sometimes I get myself to put my computer away, turn everything off and just lay on the couch.
but while laying there. all I think about it what I need to do. what I can get done during that time.
doing nothing. has become quite difficult.

And now. even if I'm busy. I miss home.
I miss feeling like someone understands me.
I miss sleeping close to my sister during the cold nights.
I miss watching Avelena. I miss giving her kisses.
I miss eating dinner at the dinner table with my parents.
I miss hearing my brothers' lame jokes.
I miss having a family to come home to.
I miss The Packing House worship and Pastor Ed's messages.
I miss homemade pho. especially when my family eats while on skype with me.
I miss knowing that someone would be looking for me if I didn't come home.

Before I left, I promised to not cry in front of my parents.
being this far away from them is probably hard enough on them.
seeing me cry would tear their hearts apart.
My mom asks me often. if I miss them. I always say "a little bit"
but deep inside. I miss them like crazy. and if I were to say it out loud I'd probably cry for hours.

Anyway, I need to get this time of the month done and over with soon.
cuz this emotional roller coaster I'm on is driving me nuts :/

The last of Fall and Phumee's Adventures in South Korea

Fall is beautiful here. It's so nice to be able to experience all the seasons here.  Southern California is definitely different.
I haven't walked to/from work lately so I didn't realize the drastic change in the leaves.. until today.
It was a sad moment.
The few leaves that were left on the trees were turning brown.
Some trees didn't have any leaves left on them.

Besides that, I visited Phumee in Hadong for the last time this past weekend. Another sad event.

I'll miss that little town .. Phumee's enormous house... the jjajangmyun that I had for the first and last time :( and the delicious samgyupsal with "mul bap" lol.

When I first decided to come to Korea, I felt a bit more at ease knowing that Phumee was here. I came knowing that she was going to leave 5 months before me. However, it's still hard to imagine another few months without her. We've grown to be good friends here.. not just cousins. 

I'm so thankful for her generosity.. hospitality.. and friendship.  

This coming weekend will be her last...here in Korea. 

She'll be spending a few days in Uijeongbu with me..then flying out on Wednesday. 

Another sad goodbye.

School photo

blogging at work.
because I just received my school photo that I took about a month or two after I started.

I look like a Teacher, don't I?

Re-sign?

While walking back from lunch the other day, the Korean lady who's in charge of our center asked me about re-signing. It totally caught me off guard because I wasn't planning on thinking too much about it until the beginning of next year.
She asked if I find the center to be too difficult or if I liked it. I told her that it is a lot of work but I enjoy it. Then, she told me about a few changes that will happen for the next school year, which will start in March of 2012. Some of those changes seem to leave me with less lesson planning :)
I get an extra 2 weeks of vacation if I do re-sign which will give me about 6 weeks of paid vacation in one year. 6 weeks....AND a whole bunch of holidays and stuff.
But every time I think about my family..and everyone back at home, I don't know if I should stay.
I think if I stayed another year, I'd be able to save a bit more money and pay off some more debt, but I don't know.

I've been here for 7 months.
Another 5 more months to complete my 1 yr contract.
*sigh* Decisions Decisions!!

Autumn in Uijeongbu

It got cold. fast.
Seemed like just yesterday I prayed for the Summer humidity to quickly pass.
Now, it's freezing cold.
Worse thing about it is that it's only Fall.

I went to Hae Shim Orphanage this past Sunday.

It was weird at first. I couldn't understand a thing. So, it was a bit difficult.

But in the end, I played with the babies. and everything was ok.

This baby girl woke up from her afternoon nap and didn't want to come out from the room.

There were too many strangers, I think.

She sat next the wall where the door was.. so I slowly crawled to the other side of the door and asked if she was ok (in Korean of course). She nodded her head. and we became friends instantly.

She came to me. We put a sweater, socks, and shoes on her.. I held her hand and we went to play outside. We sat on the swing together.. & I let her take a few pictures with my camera. Then, it came time to go. As I led her back up to the room, she whined a little. I knew she wanted to stay, but couldn't.. so slowly walked her back upstairs. I put her in the toddlers' room, grabbed my stuff, then said goodbye. As soon as she saw me leaving, she got up and came to the door.. even tried opening it.

I can't imagine my life without a mom or a dad.

I wish I could give all the kids there..the love and warmth that they need.

I wish I could teach English to them.. instead of to kids who are more fortunate.. to have their mom bring them snacks while picking them up from school to go to Academy, but take it all for granted.

I wish I could tell them about Jesus. and how with Him, I've never once felt alone being away from my family. I wish I could tell them about how much Jesus loves them. 

The kids there will forever remain in my heart.

scared.

I may have a tough attitude on the outside, but inside I'm just like other girls.
I get scared easily.
Loud noise scares me.
People yelling scares me.
People fighting scares me.
Drunk people scare me.

I've seen my share of craziness here in Korea..and with every single one of those times, I've cried.
First time, I came home very late from Seoul one Sunday night.
Someone told me I should take the long way home (with less transfers) because there aren't many trains running at night. So, I did exactly what he said.
However, I had never gone that way before so everything was new to me (keep in mind this was just a few weeks after arriving to Korea).
Everything went well ..all the way until the train stopped at a station...and everyone hurried out. I looked around and saw a few people still sitting..so I thought I was ok. After a few minutes, the train didn't move. I looked through a window and saw the train conductor waving at me to go to where he was at. As I walked down through a few train carts..I realized that the people I saw sitting were only still there because they were passed out.
The conductor kindly opened one of the doors for me to step out. As I was doing so, he was waking up a lady..who I quickly realized was beyond drunk.
He gave her backpack to her and helped her up to go out, but she wasn't stable enough so she fell and hit her head on a metal rail. I got out right in time to see him help her get off the train and handed her bags to her. She fell straight to the ground and passed out again. I watched for a bit because it didn't look like she was going to make it safely out. I was afraid she'd fall into where the tracks were (that station had no doors to hide the tracks). Luckily, she fell to the ground and just laid there. That might not have been safe either, but it was definitely better than falling on to the tracks.
So, I stood there..tried to figure out what was going on. While doing that, an older man came up to me and asked me some questions in Korean. I just motioned to him that I didn't understand.  I usually wouldn't be scared, but it was close to midnight and that station was empty & extra dark by that time. I had no idea what to do so I ran downstairs..saw a sign with my city name on it..so I climbed up some other stairs and jumped onto a different train. While on that train, (it may just have been because I was scared already) this guy sat across from me and stared at me the whole time. It wasn't a nice stare..it was one of those.. stalking/scary stares. So, I called the other foreign teacher who was working with me at the time..and had her talk to me for a bit just to calm down a little. I finally got to my station and sped home, crying. That was the first time I felt like I needed a man beside me.

Second, I was also on the subway. This time, it was late also but not as late as before. For some odd reason, there are a lot of middle-eastern men in my town but that night seemed like there were a lot more than usual. There were some standing across from me on the subway.. but I wasn't bothered by them at all. I got off at my usual exit. Right when I got off the train, I felt a strong gust of wind going by right in front of me. Then, I hear these 2 guys yelling. I finally looked up and saw the two guys fighting. A Korean guy was yelling & swinging at a Middle-eastern guy. The Middle-eastern guy just tried to get away. He obviously didn't know any Korean, but it sure seemed like he did something wrong to the Korean guy on the subway. They finally chased each other down the opposite way, so I quickly walked up the stairs, but as I was exiting out I heard the loud noises coming up also. The Korean guy had the other guy by the shirt and was still yelling at him. I ran home in tears, wishing I had a man with me.

Then, just a while ago, while I was watching a Taiwanese drama I heard a loud tugging coming from outside. I turned down the sound a few times to try and figure out what it was, but didn't hear anything. So, I continued watching. After a while, I heard some talking so I turned the sound completely off and stepped closer to my door to listen. I heard a man yelling and his wife.. tugging at a door (trying to get inside apparently). As I listened some more, I heard a baby crying so hard. Sounded like the wife was outside trying to calm the husband down, while another girl was inside with the baby. I heard the girl scream a few times because the guy was tugging so hard. My heart sank when I heard the baby cry. I squatted down in tears by my door.

To be scared without a man? or to be scared being with a man?
Not all men are like that, I know.
But how do you know how he will become after marriage?
How do you know he won't change?
How do you know if he'll be good to you? or if he won't?
You don't.
You get to know him as well as you can...and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.. hoping that he won't change, only hoping for the best.
But that's all we can do- Hope.
Why? because people can change. and they do. sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

 I've seen plenty of broken marriages, bad relationships, unfaithfulness.
When I see loving couples, I wish I was in a relationship.
When I see fighting couples, I'm so glad I'm not in one.

But this is what I've concluded.
Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I will gladly accept.
He knows my wants and desires. He knows it all.
And if He has someone ready to take on my impatience, my quick temper, my laziness, my fragile and once broken heart, then I am ready to meet him. I'm ready to meet someone who is not scared of anything or anyone else except the Father, himself.

However, if He has better plans for me. If it is His will for me to live the way I am now.. forever, then let it be.

In Him, I trust.
This world is temporary. My home is in Heaven.

Nami Island & Learning Korean

Last weekend was a 3 day weekend because of Korea's National Foundation Day & I have no idea what that is.
Saturday night, we met up with Pajai's sisters and friends at Thai Garden in Itaewon. Quite a few girls showed up. Choua made reservations so we got our own semi private room. We made it a surprise "bachelorette/bridal shower party" for Pajai. Girls' nights are always fun.. especially with wonderful girls.
My cousin Phumee came up to Seoul also so we took a trip to Nami Island together with Shengmee. It was beautiful. I've always wanted to go there. Seriously. ever since I saw Winter Sonata in 2005/2006 or something. Anyway, we made a 2 hour subway trip to Hapjeong Stn. After waiting for about 30 minutes for a taxi, we finally got one.. who almost killed us. He was doing 80 down a curvy road, passing up a bus, and hitting the breaks right in time while another car tried getting in front of us from a small road. This homie opened the door and yelled at that other driver for a good minute before speeding off again. Korean cab drivers are reckless, but so convenient :/

Here's a picture from the island:

Here's one of us girls:

And here's a random shot I took with the beautiful colored leaves:

There were sooo many couples there. Next time, I'd like to go as a couple also :P

I started taking a free Korean class on Saturday mornings. It has been nice. I hope I can continue to go. 

Here's a picture of my small class. 

This picture was taken by a guy in my class. I'm the one sitting in the front.. like a nerd.

I'm in level 1A, which is the level right after level 0 (where you learn the Korean alphabet) :P 

I've been here for 6 months now! So crazy. Everyone's asking if I'm going to re-sign or not. I haven't decided yet. It's too soon to tell. 

I have so many stories to share, but not enough time to write it all out. 

Seng-hil chuk-ha hamnida & Happy Chueseok!

Having friends and cousins here have been one of the greatest blessings.
Not to mention nice coworkers as well.
Things were pretty tough in the beginning, but everything's alright now. We just needed time.
Thursday, before we left for vacation my coworkers bought a cake for me. So sweet of them.

Then, my cousins and friends planned a surprise birthday party for me at my own place!

For Chuseok, we just hung out in Seoul mostly.

I spent Friday by myself. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home and skyped with my family. 

Then on Saturday I met up with the girls at Sheng's place. From there, we went and had "legit" pho and vietnamese sandwiches in Itaewon. 

Afterwards, we grabbed bubble tea from Myeongdong. (yumm the strawberry yogurt was good!)

Went on a Han River cruise at Yeonuinaru.

Hit up Hongdae to visit the Hello Kitty cafe & the Coffee Prince cafe (sadly, Coffee Prince was closed).

My friends spent the whole Sunday lying to me about what they were doing.

I went to the afternoon Church service at Jubilee, then Choua stalled and stalled in order for them to get everything done. I finally came home to a beautiful surprise :) egg rolls, bacon with cabbage, pineapple, Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, and most important of all FRIENDS :) We even went to the Norebang.

Then, Monday we went to Choua's (Sinsa & Apgujeong area), walked to the Han River, ate ramyun, took loads of pictures with Choua's nice camera, played some basketball, and ended the day with some sam-gyup-sal for dinner :P 

We woke up Tuesday, made more food (lol), said bye to Maychee :( and everyone went their own separate ways.

It was sad saying "goodbye" to another friend.  Take care Maychee! You will be missed in Korea, but we'll see you soon in California!

Goodbyes

Looks like the only time I think about updating my blog is when I have no English subbed kdrama or thai lakorn to watch.
That's my life here.
I wake up, watch as many videos as I can while on skype with my baby girl and getting ready for work, get to work, squeeze in a few more videos, get on facebook, teach some classes, make a few lesson plans,  come back home, skype with my sister if she's not asleep already, watch more movies/videos, go to sleep, and wake up the next morning to do the same thing.  Of course, weekends are completely different. I think I've only stayed in town a total of 4 weekends since I've been in Korea :/
I'm not complaining though. I kinda like it.
Even though I've done so much already, I still feel like there's so much more to do..and one year may not be enough.

We just had our Summer break, now starting semester 2 at our school.
After the first semester ended, I seriously considered staying another year..
But now that school has started up again, I'm not so sure about it anymore.
I like the kids, I don't mind the teaching, but I'm not sure I can handle another year here.
We will have to see though.

Anyway, I've been here exactly 5 months today.
Time sure flies. Felt like it was just yesterday that I walked into my apartment with a funky smell (that I've since gotten use to).

I said my first goodbye here today to the other English teacher at my school, who had become a good friend of mine. We got along quite well. I remember telling my sister that we talk like we've known each other for years. Although we didn't get to spend much time together (outside of school), we got to spend most of our work days together. She showed me places that have since become my favorite. The saddest part of it all is that we will probably never see each other again.
I went and said goodbye to her before heading out this morning.
After work, I stopped by her apartment to grab a blanket that she had left for me.
The empty apartment only made it more real. She's really gone.

Here, English teachers come and go.
Soon it'll be my turn.

Happy Parents' Day!

In Korea, they celebrate Children's Day on the 5th of May (at least that's what it was this year). It's a national holiday believe it or not so we had the day off also :)  Anyway, on this particular day...kids pretty much get spoiled by their parents.. they have no school and they just get to go out and do whatever they want. In our area here, I saw a lot of kids play in the little water/river thing. The center here was FULL of kids and parents. It was a little overwhelming. But as I'm writing this.. I felt like I should've volunteered at an Orphanage that day.. Less fortunate kids were probably so sad that day. Ok, next year if I'm still here, I'll do it. (note to self)

Before I go any further, I wanted to explain why I deleted my previous post. I was extremely frustrated and when I think back to it..I still am. It was difficult because it's not easy to make them understand that the way they do things is frustrating for the English teachers. My feelings and thoughts don't seem to matter much here, which is fine. It has never really mattered to people so I can handle that, but all the jobs I've had before this..they'd do some sort of training before they throw you in. It's completely different here. What you think may be impossible for them to do.. they will do. And if you do it wrong, it will be your fault and nobody else's.  Yes, I'm still adjusting to that type of 'doing' here. Many things I've already grown accustomed to, but that.... I have to work on still. I do feel a little more at ease since the new girl has arrived though, sad to say. Why? because she gets to go through what I went through... and it's not that I wish that on anyone, but it made me realize that it wasn't me at all... nor was it them. It's just how they do things here. Also, it feels good to know a little more than someone else, I must admit. I'm horrible. Oh yeah, so I decided to delete it because I don't want people to think that I'm having a horrible time here because I'm not. I love it here. I get to travel to so many places. I get to interact with kids. I get to be independent. So, I'm doing well.

Alright, so right after Children's Day comes Parents' Day which falls on Mother's Day in the states. It wasn't a big deal here since our parents are all in the states, but the sermon at church was about parents.. and how we should think of ourselves as children of God.. like children children.. you know, like young children who long to be like their mom or their dad one day... and wants to play with their mom or dad all the time, never wanting them to leave. That's how we should be and feel towards God. SOooo true! At the beginning of service, Pajai and I went up to the little cafe area of the church, sat down, and started talking a bit.  She was telling me about how her sister have so much hair on their arms...so one day she complained to her mom and said that she was sad she was born that way.  Then, her mom said "Kuv twb yug tau koj zoo npaum no es ua li cas koj tseem yuav hais li ko? Twb muaj ob txhais tes, ob txhais taw, ntiv taw ntiv tes los muaj tas es tseem yuav tshaw dab tsi thiab?" Ohh my goodness.. my tears fell the moment I heard those words. All my life, I've always wanted something more. I've always wondered why I was born like this or like that. Why couldn't I have been born better in certain areas. Pajai didn't know what to do. She didn't even know why I was crying. I told her that.. it made me miss my mom...and she asked me if it was because my mom said that to me.. but I told her "no." However, I know very well that.. that's how she feels. As children, we blame our parents for all the faults we have.. from our height.. to our temper. But our mother gave us all that we need to survive in this world and is blinded from the physical flaws we see in ourselves. To her, we are perfect.
Furthermore, that's how God feels toward us. He made us in His image yet we try so hard to change our physical appearance just to fit the world's standards. He made us perfect in His eyes yet we get angry about the small things that don't even matter.
Ever since my last relationship, I've closed my heart off to everyone. I've opened it a little & have even seen some light, but right when I feel like I can or will get hurt..I turn the lights off and close the door again. Stupid thing to say/feel, but I've never felt like I was good enough for anyone. Every time I meet someone.. I always feel like they could do so much better.
So, when I heard Pajai say that.. I felt a tugging at my heart. God was speaking to me... He wanted me to know that I'm perfect in His eyes... no matter what my past may look like, no matter how broken and scarred I am from it all.. I'm still worthy of His love and I'm still good enough for someone out there. AND that I should be happy with all of my physical features :)
Lots of tears shed this past weekend.

It's been a while since I've updated on here. I've come to realize that everyone in the states thinks being in Korea is like the coolest thing ever.. and it is. I felt that way too..that's why I'm here. But living here.. I feel like it's so normal.  I don't really know what to write or make a video about..because to me it seems normal, but to others..it's probably really really cool. Plus, it's hard to make videos without looking like a total tourist.. and I feel weird filming and talking while walking by myself. But I will be going to a Women's retreat with the Jubilee church next weekend so hopefully I'll get some of that on video. AND a lot of the hmong people here are planning to meet up at the end of this month for a total hmong food cookout/potluck thing so I will definitely get that on video for everyone to see.

Long blog.
Peace out.

Nonchalant Nugee

I found out in one of my afternoon classes today that the previous teacher asked them to put an adjective or some sort of word (starting with the same letter as their name) in front of their name to help the teacher remember them better. I thought that was an awesome idea. They're so proud of their names, it's funny. Here were some of the ones that I can remember:

Killer Kevin
King Kong Kevin
Action Andy
Jumping Jenny
Elementary Elizabeth
Shy Sarah
Angry Alice

Anyway, I might be meeting up with my cousin and a few other girls in Seoul this weekend. I'm excited, but extremely nervous because I will have to transfer subway routes.. I have no phone :/ and not a lot of money. oh well.

araso! annyeongi keseyo :D

Random things after a week and a half of being here

Some kids are so cute, some are mean.
Some listen so well, some don't.
The kids wave to me when they see me.. at school & outside of school. It's a nice feeling :) Oh and they call me "Nugee Teacher" or just "Teacher" most of the time :D
I hate the thought of making lesson plans, but find it amazingly fun once I get myself to actually do it.
I love having a shared office with the Korean ladies- they always have hot water ready for coffee or tea.
On the other hand, my coffee addiction has gotten worse. I'm on my second cup already today. It's not my fault they let me drink it whenever I want.
This job is so laid back compared to my previous one. I don't even feel like I'm actually really working half of the time I'm here.
If I actually work when I'm at work, then I don't have anything to worry about at home & on the weekends :)
Sometimes some kids make me wanna quit altogether. Well, just one or two of them BUT that just means I need to go a different route with them.
I don't eat dinner every night. Sometimes I'll have just a sandwich or a snack.
I was born a picky eater, but I can't be picky here or else I'd starve to death. I had duck for lunch last week.. I can't even believe it myself.
I've grown to love a few things here already. It will be hard to let them go in a year.
I get my daily exercise by walking to and from school :) It takes about 30 mins. each way & that's if I walk really fast.
It feels good to see Americans around once in a while.
When I go places with my American coworker, they always think I'm Korean and want me to translate for her :/ I just try to look more lost & confused than she does.
I don't feel like I'm in a different country. I don't feel far away from home at all.
I try not to think about how far away I really am from my family. Reason is that this will be my home for a year, like it or not. So, I refuse to let myself cry and be sad over it. I agreed to this. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into so I'm going to stay positive and have fun.

I read a little bit about some problems with the English Teaching program here in Korea. Hopefully, I'm safe. If not, I'll be back sooner than planned.

Give me Jesus

A few hours before I left home to LAX, I read on Korean air's site about their luggage limit. I can't remember the exact numbers anymore but I knew my luggages were beyond the allowed limit. So, I decided to take a whole bunch of things out...most of them were the real heavy stuff. I even took out a few items from my clothes luggage too. We got to the airport, weighed my luggages and what happened? One of them was a little under the "heavy" limit and one was a little over. Heavy limit means that they're already over the allowed limit..so I would be paying $50 for each luggage that was over, which was fine.. I expected that. However, I was informed that it would be a $300 charge for the one that was over the heavy limit. That's insane. So, the nice guy who was helping me suggested that I take out a few things from the heavy one and put them into the other. So I did and it worked out perfectly. I had a quick lunch with my family, said a little tearful goodbye, and was on my way.

The plane was huge, the staff were nice, the seat was comfortable (although I wish I could've flown first class because they can make their seats into a bed, in which I could've gotten better sleep but what I had was nice), the food was ok, the guys I sat next to pretty much slept the whole way (they were Vietnamese flying to Vietnam, transferring in Korea). Each seat had its own little tv which was awesome, but there weren't many things to choose from. I did manage to find a few movies to watch which helped time go by so much faster. Towards the end of the flight one of the nice ladies asked if I would be staying in Korea or transferring. I told her I was staying so she gave me a few papers to fill out.  It was just the claiming your "expensive" things ..and stuff like that. So, I filled it out but they were asking for an address in Korea and I had no clue what my address was. They gave me the address to the school that I would be working that but I didn't have the information with me. I had no way of getting that information because I only had my sister in law's phone with me (to use for emergencies only) but I didn't even have anyone's number in Korea. It was an awful feeling. I was pretty stressed for a bit, but I tried to calm myself down. There had to be a way. So, when I got off the plane I quickly took out my laptop and luckily was able to connect to the airport's internet so I went into my email, found it, wrote it down and went through the little gate to show them my passport along with all the other papers. I also was able to tell my family on fb that I arrived safely.

Alright. So, the craziness didn't end there. I waited and waited... and finally found my luggages, but remember how they were right under the "heavy" limit (which is maybe 70lb or something)? Well, I'm right under 100 lbs. So, I was able to drag my luggages off of the belt thing onto the floor, but trying to roll both of those around was something I don't think anyone of my family members should ever see (cuz I'm sure they would've laughed their butts off). I had one carryon bag with me which contained my laptop and other things (which was extremely heavy also)..so I threw the shoulder straps of that around the handle of one of the luggages..thinking it would help. Well, it didn't. I thought I had all this figured out at home. I bought the cool luggages with the wheels that can turn 360 degrees so that I could just stand them up right and roll them along side me while walking.  Things did not happen that way at all. I tried pushing with them in front of me .. didn't work. I tried dragging them behind me.. didn't work. I tried the carryon bag back on my shoulders and dragging..didn't work. I tried carryon bag on shoulders and pushing..didn't work.  The outside area (where people wait for you) was so close, but I couldn't even get myself to the sliding doors. I thought about getting one of those carts but I didn't know how I'd get the luggage onto the cart. So, I dragged one and pushed one.. moving about an inch at a time. Finally, crossed over the area where they collect the claims paper.. and then saw the currency exchange desk right next to the door...so I decided to do that really quick before I head out or else I wouldn't have any money to spend. So I left my luggages to the side, changed dollars to won, and went back to my luggages. This time, it was even harder. My arms were tired, my back was aching, I was sweating. I tried moving again (the same way as before) but this time I went nowhere...even though the door was only about 4 feet away.  I saw an older worker guy there so I tried to tell him that I needed a cart or something. He couldn't understand..so he just kinda looked at me weird. I signaled for him to watch my luggages while I go back to get one, but he was probably thinking "lady that's not my job".. so I just left my luggages there, took my korean money, and tried to go back through that little gate where they already collected my paper. I didn't know how I was going to explain it to them, but I was determined to get it done. Right when I got there, the that was suppose to be watching my luggages yelled for me to go back. I didn't really know what he was saying but when I got there..I saw an empty cart close to my luggages. I breathed a sigh of relief. The guy helped put my luggages on the cart for me and I was FINALLY on my way out. Right when I went through the sliding doors, I saw a guy with my name :) So I gave him a quick head bow to signal that I'm Nugee, he came and pushed the cart for me..and led me to the little van that took me to my place. (by the way, after loading my first luggage into the trunk his first word to me was "heavy"..LOL)

Work has been going well. The guy that took me around and was suppose to be helping me.. really didn't help me much at all. Luckily, I did a lot of research before I came so I knew how to turn the hot water on for showers, how to turn a knob in order to turn on the stove, how to open and lock the door, things of that nature. I pretty much had to figure that out on my own. Even at school, they don't tell me anything and just hands me a schedule and expects me to understand which class is when, what to teach, and how to teach them. Monday morning was a little difficult. I prayed a lot about everything though. I knew God wouldn't leave my side. It's my first time teaching so I was a little stressed.. over prepared myself. But everything went smoothly. I gotta say..my speech class helped a lot. (I should email my professor and let him know..since he did write a recommendation letter for me).

I was also a little concerned about my place, the people I'd be working with, and just Korea itself. BUT I am in good hands everyone. God's got me placed right in the palm of his hands. Korea is a very nice country, the people here just mind their own business most of the time, the people I work with are very very lenient, and my little place is starting to feel more and more like home.

No matter where I am, what I'm doing, the problems I run into.. He is always right next to me, helping me and guiding me.

I'm happy to be here. I'm so thankful for such an amazing and encouraging family (esp. my sister..she's awesome)... and I'm excited to see what God has in store for me here. I pray that God continue to use each and everyone of you in your everyday lives there.

Blogging from Korea!

I am in Korea already! The little city that I'm in is Uijeongbu, which is about an hour north of Seoul. My last entry was quite a while ago. Everything happened so fast I didn't even have time to blog about it. When my documents came in, I sent them to Korea (which cost me a fortune). Then about a week later I got my visa issuance number, went to the Korean consulate in Los Angeles to get my interview and visa stamped, and just 2 days later I was on a plane to Korea :)
I've been here for almost a week now. I arrived last Friday, had the weekend to adjust a little bit and hang out with the other foreign teachers (who were about to leave since I'm taking their place), and then they put me straight to work on Monday. I made it much more difficult that it really was/is. I was stressing out a lot about everything on the first day, but by Tuesday I was fine and relaxed. I'm enjoying everything so far. I have a lot of time to prepare my lessons. I'm even writing this while at work since I have all my lesson plans done for today and tomorrow already. I don't have any classes on Wednesday and Thursday mornings so I have a lot of time to get everything done.
Anyway, I have tons of pictures and videos I need to upload and share with everyone. I was working on a website because I just wanted to have everything all in one spot you know? Like have my pictures, blogs, and videos all on there instead of 3 differents sites that I have to update. It would be easier for everyone too right? We will see about it though. The name I have right now is SunshineInKorea.com because Nugee=sunshine :) get it? Oh and I also need to make another youtube channel to upload my videos. Even if I end up making the website I will still have to upload the videos on youtube I think..and just link it.
I will take some time this weekend to figure everything out.
Thank you for all the prayers!

Days like this

Today I am spending the entire day at home,
Reading travel blogs (specifically trying to find ones written by ESL teachers in Uijeongbu),
Reminding myself over & over again how stupid I was to not make a copy of my "apostillized" documents before sending them off to Korea yesterday (but also reminding myself that the world probably won't end because of it),
Drinking coffee out of the Minnie Mouse coffee mug that I bought for my mom from Disneyland,
Staring at my niece and wondering how different she'll be a year from now (and if she'll even remember me anymore),
Enjoying this wonderful 70 degrees southern California weather,
Trying to figure out all the different dishes I want to make before I leave,
Regretting my huge Sephora order but excited about receiving it next week,
Impatiently waiting for my new favorite Thai lakorn to be subbed (Ka Kaung Kon),
Trying to learn subway lines and bus routes in Korea (with no success),
Looking at my already full suitcases trying to figure out a way to downsize somehow,
Walking into my parents' room from time to time just to see what my mom's up to (usually playing some sort of bubble buster or pool game online),
and Simply enjoying sitting in the kitchen, blogging. Even though everyone's doing their own thing, it's comforting to just be near family.
I will miss days like this very much.

goodbye?

I asked my cousin's wife (she's a RN) to write a recommendation letter for me. She brought it over earlier along with a little gift. At first I didn't understand what it was for and then she explained to me that it was a goodbye gift...caught me by surprise. I teared up reading the card...and the letter of recommendation.

I hate saying goodbyes right now.. only because it's hard to tell people when I'm leaving exactly. And I'm afraid that if my paperwork don't go through... I'd still be here and then...it would be weird you know?
Say goodbye but end up not going. that's weird to me.

I've never had anyone write recommendation letters for me before. I should take a picture of these for memories :) I needed 2 so my Speech professor wrote one for me also. I was a total nerd in that class..even though I was deathly afraid of it at first.

Alright. I have tons of things to do, but I'm just spending my days hanging out with my family..and in front of my laptop.

I'm totally dreading Friday... putting my resignation letter in. My heart feels like it's going to stop every time I think about it.

I need to keep believing that this is what the Lord has planned for me.

unreal

I've officially announced to my friends that I'm going to Korea. I didn't want to say anything until I was completely sure about going. However, I'm not 100% sure at the moment still because of all the paperwork involved, but there's a better chance now than before though. My notarized background check & degree just got to Sacramento this morning. I'll have to wait for them to apostille them and send them back. Then, all I need to do is send those paperwork along with the signed contract to Korea and wait for a visa number, take that to the Korean consulate, get my passport stamped, and I'll be on my way there.
I try not to think about living there by myself. I will probably freak out if I think about it too much. Even though I've said goodbye to one of my friends (Maria because she's moving to Mn) already, it still doesn't seem real. It won't seem real until I get there I think. I can freak out there but I don't want my family to see me freak out here. They'd be worried for me for an entire year.

Sometimes I feel so strong, like living in Korea by myself for a year is no big deal. Then sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for doing this.
I've decided to put in my resignation on Friday, the 11th. I'm scared. I don't want to see my boss cry. I've worked with her for so long..and I know she'll cry. Well, either that or she'll be angry at me and tell me to just leave :/  She'll find someone to replace me though and then I'll be nothing but someone she use to work with.

I've started to pack a little, buying things here and there.. mostly things that I won't be able to find there.  I have to think about a whole year worth of supply... that's crazy. I am crazy.

in the end..

Our lives on earth are so short when you really think about it. 

So why do we care so much about money? why do we care so much about what we have or don't have? why do we care so much about how we look? or how we dress? 

Do those things matter after you die? If you're rich here on earth, will you be able to take it with you after you die?

From what I've seen, people who chase after money (not all, but most of them) are mean and rude. They are never happy. Why? because money cannot buy you everything (so cliche, but true).

We are on earth for just a while. and then we die. 

We will only be remembered for a while afterwards (mostly only by our family & friends).

The way we dressed, the way we looked, the money we had or didn't have will not matter. Nobody will remember any of it. All they'll remember is how you've changed or affected their lives. 

So instead of working toward making lots of money.. I've decided to dedicate my little time on earth here to bringing others to Christ. I don't know how, I lack social skills, I'm horrible at public speaking, I can't seem to look at others straight in the eye, and I'm not sure where to start, but it was the same with Moses and look what he was able to accomplish. It won't be easy, but it would be selfish of me to not tell others about His grace. 

In the end, living happily and knowing that you're going be joining God in Heaven is all that should matter.

It has arrived!

After posting that last entry, checked the mail, and there it was. My background check. I have a very clean record :) 

Now I just need to send a few things to Washington to get apostilled, once I get that back (& find a job) I'll have to send it off to Korea to get my visa issuance number, bring it to the nearest Korean consulate..get interviewed, get my visa stamped...and I'll be on my way to Korea. This will all take about 2-3 weeks I hear. 

So now is probably a good time to start writing my resignation letter.

oh and cry about it all.

resignation letter

Official transcripts came in rather quickly.
Nothing on background check yet.
I got an email today from Soon (guy from gmsc agency) informing me of a job position available. From what I know, it's in a city a little north of Seoul. I really don't know Korea that well so be picky about which city, but I do want to stay a little south of Seoul instead of north. I don't know why.
After a whole lot of debating and taking lots of people's advice & opinion into consideration, I've decided to try to get a public school position. We'll see though. I also have to look at the travel distance (from apartment to school) and the pay. The pay for public schools is pretty standard though I think.

I go through the days just the same. I don't think I realize how much of a drastic change I'm going to go through in the next month or so. It hasn't really sunk in all the way yet. Maybe it won't until I get there. I don't want to be excited because there's a chance I might be disappointed when I get there. So I'm just trying to go with the flow. I think I adjust quite well to the things and people around me. That's just what I think though. My friends might disagree.

Now, I'm totally dreading the day I have to give my resignation letter to my boss. I have to constantly remind myself of all the reasons why I am doing this. Sometimes, I feel like I should just play it safe and stay working there.........forever.. or until I can get into nursing school (which I'm not even sure about anymore). I have to think about how I'm working as an Asst Mgr at a retail store with a Bachelors degree. I mean, in the high-end stores the Asst Mgrs make a lot, but at my store..I make only enough to cover my bills. That's it. I get to save nothing. I'm not in search of a wonderful job making tons of money. I'd just like to make enough to pay my bills that I accumulated during my college years AND not to mention my college debt.. and have a little bit to save so I can help my family & friends. I've been nothing but a burden to them. It's hard when you want to help but you can't. Anyway, back to my job....... I like the people I work with...most of the time. Once in a while there's drama but there will be drama no matter where you go.. so I deal with it. However, being the one in charge of making the schedules, I think I get the most crap from people. What I've learned is that people will complain no matter what. They will tell you they want this and you do it for them, but it'll never be good enough because they will always want something more. So instead of trying to please everyone, I just do what needs to be done. A lot of the things I've learned there will definitely help in my teaching in Korea. For example, when I was a sales there I always dreamed of how I'd be if I was to ever become the boss. Well, I never got to be the big boss but the assistant boss counts. Anyhow, I wanted to be the "coolest" asst mgr anyone could ever have...so I joked around with everyone.. tried to be everyone's friend. I wanted to just be equal you know? I guess it wasn't that cool of an idea because after a while, nobody really cared about what I had to say. No one took me seriously. Long story, but now I just go to work, do my job, and come home. I try not to get too close to anyone there. I try not to joke around too much. I work harder around "lazier" people to try to show them how they should be working. My boss is very nice, too nice sometimes so people take advantage of it. I will miss her. I know things will never be the same again once I put my 2 weeks in, but I'm sure there are better things waiting for me in this life. I cannot stay there forever. I cannot.

Yep, this is pretty much what goes through my head everyday.
Hopefully by my next entry, I will have gotten my background check and some other things in order.
:)

non beauty-related post

I've tried so many times to write this entry. Part of the reason for failure is because I'm scatter-minded. I have so many thoughts that I want to write down but when I get to writing it..nothing makes sense.  Hopefully, I will be successful this time.
Before moving on, I must warn my first few followers. I made this blog because I was doing a makeup sale through youtube. So some of you might have started following this blog because you want to see/read beauty-related things. However, I can't say that this entire blog will be dedicated to that. I did the blog sale partly because I just have way too much makeup to ever use up, but mostly because I plan on moving to Korea for a year. Yes, an entire year. My sister & sister-in-law will probably never touch my makeup while I'm gone so I didn't want it to just sit in my drawers for a year. I kept all the essentials and sold the rest. After about 2 years, I realized that I don't really need/use as much makeup as I own. Anyhow, I don't know how much shopping I will do in Korea so I can't really say how many beauty-related entries I will make. I'll just have to see when I get there. If I find really interesting things though..I will definitely blog about it. So, the point to this little warning is that you can un-follow my blog if you're not interested in my everyday thoughts or in me living in Korea. I promise I will not hate you for it. But if you are interested, then go ahead and follow me on here :) I will try to make it as entertaining as possible. (with the exception of this one)

Alright. So I don't know if anyone is interested in how I made my decision to go to Korea, but here's the very long story (including my thoughts and feelings) of it all from the very beginning until now.

About a week before I was going to start my Microbiology class during Spring semester at Crafton, I randomly decided to do a bit of research on teaching English abroad. (I heard a little bit about it at SALT 2010 and was interested but never really looked more into it afterwards. Then, found out a few months later that one of my cousins from Fresno was in Korea teaching English). Yes, I love watching korean dramas & I'm sure nobody's surprised by it. The first drama that started my love for kdramas was Winter Sonata. I wasn't too fond of the Autumn Tale (I think that's what it's called.. you know the one with NkaujSee & TsimMeej haha) but Winter Sonata made me want to go visit Korea soooo bad. Anyway, the more and more I watched them the more interested I was in learning about their culture. I find it amazing how much respect Koreans have for others especially anyone older than them. I mean, they have a totally different way of talking to someone older than them. That's pretty crazy when you compare it to the American culture. It's hard to talk about one thing without people thinking that I'm badmouthing the other. So I'd like you to know that I do love America. I am an American. I love the freedom we have. But I think we are all very spoiled here and kids are not raised to respect others anymore. That may just be me generalizing but that's how I feel. Feel free to agree or disagree.
Ok so back to my story. One night, instead of sleeping, I decided to surf the internet and find out the requirements for teaching abroad. I kept thinking to myself that it's not a big deal..I'll just look at a few things, go to bed, and get ready for school the following week. After reading for a bit, I found out that all you need to go teach in another country is a Bachelors degree in anything. ANYTHING. I didn't need any kind of teaching degree, just a Bachelors from an accredited college/university. I found myself filling out an application form online (I can't even remember what site now) before heading to bed. At that time, though, I was filling it out for fun... one question asked how serious I was about the whole thing (from 1-10)..and I remember putting 7 or 8 with the explanation: I'd love to go teach in Korea, but I have a few things holding me back at the moment. It's kind of dumb to have filled one out with that kind of thinking but that's what got me started on the whole thing I guess. I didn't think much of it afterwards & didn't get any emails from the site that I filled out the application at (which did not surprise me considering my lack of seriousness)..so I got ready for school, bought school supplies and decided to just do what made more sense which was continue with school. I did ask my cousin through facebook to see how it is there and told her I was kind of interested. So she recommended the agency that she went through.. to me. I didn't even know what agencies were for and which one was legit..so I was glad that I knew someone who had already gone through the whole ordeal and was living in a safe place.  After getting a little more information from her, I started to really think about going, but was still fighting it because I have bills to pay.. credit cards, car payment, car insurance, cell phone. So I talked about a bit with my sister and she said she'd take over my car payments since she would be using my car if I were to leave. That helped a lot with my decision making. Oh I forgot. One of the biggest reasons why I thought it'd be impossible to go is my parents. They are strict and can be very old-fashioned at times. So having their daughter (NOT son BUT daughter) going overseas to teach for an entire year.. I knew they'd never agree to it (c'mon I had to practically beg them to let me go to my Senior Prom & had a chaperone every single time I wanted to go see a movie or have dinner with my boyfriend). I prayed about it though. I prayed a lot about it. I wanted to make the right decision. I knew I wanted to go, but I wanted it to be God's will also, not just mine. So I prayed that if it was His will, doors would open.. and I'd have some peace about going. During this entire time, my heart was not still at all. I was constantly stressing about it because if I decided to go I'd need to drop my class, but I didn't want to drop it and then later decide to stay. It was a very difficult time in my life. I mean, I could've easily made the decision to just stay or go, but it was a little harder because I wanted God to take control...and you all might know that in order to hear Him you gotta pay attention to the small things happening around you. First door open: my sister agreed to take over my car payment. Second door: I casually told my mom I wanted to go teach in Korea and she said "Pray about it and  if God thinks it'll be ok..then you can go." SERIOUSLY? This entire life..living with my mother, I've never heard her say anything like that to me. I was expecting a "No. Never. You are crazy for even asking" answer. Instead, she told me to pray about it. I couldn't believe it. I was so excited. So a few doors opened but I was still uncertain about my class. I emailed the agency guy and asked him when I'd be able to go because my class wasn't going to end until the middle-end of May and I wanted to drop it before I couldn't anymore (IF I was to really go). He answered back saying that if I got all my documents ready, they wanted to start employment sometime in March. I was quite surprised. That gave me only a few months. I did hear that the background check would take a lot of time so that's the only thing that I'd really be waiting on. BUT even after reading that email, I still wasn't 100% sure about going so I decided to still attend the first lab. While sitting there, I just kept thinking about how I didn't want to be there. It was nice to be at school, but my heart just was not there. My heart was torn, seriously. I could not make up my mind and be satisfied with my decision. I kept feeling like if I chose to do one thing, then my heart would want to be doing the other. I didn't know what to do. But after many many crazy hours of praying and putting things into perspective, I decided to drop my class that night. So, I didn't even get to attend lecture. To calm my crazy heart, I told myself that I could just take the class next semester if all else fails.
Finally, after dropping my class, all I was left to do was try to get my documents together to go teach in Korea. First, I needed to get my fingerprints sent in to get my background check. Yes, sounds easy, but it was a painful experience for me. In effective beginning of this year, background checks needed to be done through the FBI instead of the Dept Of Justice. The difference is that DOJ does a state-wide check and FBI does nation-wide. Well, I didn't know that little bit of information until it was a little too late. The first time I went to our local police station, nobody was there. Turns out..they're only open on Tues or Thurs? Seriously? That's weird. However, I saw a number on the door so I called them and asked what kind of form I would need to bring in to get my fingerprints done. Lady told me that I needed a "Request for Livescan" form. I'm like.. and could you please tell me HOW to get that? So, she said go on DOJ website..print it out.. blah blah blah. I told them it was for personal use, but homegirl still said I needed a request form. So, I decided I would just try to go back on a day that they're open and ask someone directly. And I did. I got to the window, asked the young lady and she tells me the same exact thing. I'm thinking... OK where the heck would I get this request form? because from what I know..people usually request their background checks for employment purposes and so they get that request form from the employer. However, mine was going to be for teaching overseas (and the agency guy told me to request it for personal use)..so there was no way for me to get a form from my employer (obviously because I didn't really have one). I left the police station pretty disappointed. I was confused, frustrated, angry, everything. I hated that nobody was able to give me any help. Everyone just kept telling me I needed the form but when tell them I don't have one because it's for personal use... they don't listen and just keep telling me the same thing. So, there I was. Mad and very very frustrated. Every chance I got..I did research online to find out how to get that form. I prayed, prayed, & prayed. Then, I finally came across this "Livescan Request" and at the bottom it said "personal request" or something like that. BUT the address that it was going to be sent to read Dept of Justice. There was no way to change it because the form came like that. So, I decided to just give it a try. Went to the UPS in Yucaipa (because that seemed like the closest place that did any fingerprinting), told the lady that I needed it to go to FBI instead of DOJ, but she said it would only go to DOJ since that's what the form said. I figured that since I've lived in only California..it would be ok. I'd take a chance at it. I paid $45 to get fingerprints scanned and sent in to DOJ. Later that day, I got an email from agency guy telling me what I feared the most: DOJ background check would not be accepted. So, I quickly called the lady at UPS office to see what I could do, see if there was any way I could have it sent to FBI also since I already paid all the fees, BUT NO. It had already been sent to the DOJ and there's nothing I could do about it. Can you imagine how much more frustrated I became after that? I mean, not only did I not know what to do, but I also wasted $45 on something that was useless. So then.. I was back to where I first started. I had nothing and nowhere to go. I called so many places to ask how to obtain fingerprints for the FBI and nobody could tell me anything. nobody. nothing. So, I started to think..maybe it wasn't meant for me to go. Maybe I needed to stay. I mean, I can't say that I didn't try because I tried so hard, did everything I possibly could. I continued on with my days. As usual, I got up every day and went to my full time retail job of 5 years that I keep telling myself I need to get out of. I had to now accept the fact that I wouldn't be able to go. I thought all the other stuff before was hard.. I didn't even know.  My heart was broken, for reals. Even though I was hesitant about going, I still dreamed about the place I'd live in and things I'd do. Before, I had a choice (to stay or to go) so it was cool. It was up to me. But now I had no choice. I couldn't do anything but stay. and that tore my heart apart. Regardless, I was restless. I looked up every possible word and phrase I could to try and figure out how to get those fingerprints. I even asked on fb to see if anyone could help me.. (most people just thought I was crazy). I couldn't understand how they would require me to get something that seemed impossible to get. I mean, others have gotten it so I didn't get how I wasn't able to get it myself. That also made me feel like.. "ok if that is so, then God probably thinks it's better for me to stay." So, then.. I still did some searching online but I started to give up a little (to be honest). Though just a little, I kept searching because I just couldn't get myself to fully give up. I refused to believe that it would be impossible for me to do something that I'm sure thousands others have gotten done before.
Oh I forgot to mention.. before going to the UPS in Yucaipa, I found a Livescan place in Moreno Valley so on my way to San Diego for Hlee's bachelorette weekend, I stopped by to see if I could get fingerprinted....... only to find out that the place had gone out of business a long time ago but still shows up on the internet so people still go and look for it (according to some guy that worked in a different office around that plaza).
After about a week later, I came upon a site that said a place in Westminster mall does ink fingerprinting. INK FINGERPRINTING was what I had been looking for all along!! So, I quickly gave them a call to see I'd need to bring in to get it done. The guy simply asked what it was for and I told him for personal use. So he said all I needed was an ID. that's all. After all this chaos..........  are you kidding me? I was shocked now because it seemed too good to be true. But I had to wait for a day that I'd be off of work to go because Westminster is a good hour to hour & a half drive from my house. Then... I figured if they're able to do it..I must be able to get it done somewhere closer to home......... so back to searching online once again. This time..I put in ink fingerprinting. The closest place I found was in Riverside and that was fine with me. Riverside is about a 30-40 min drive from where I live and I'm familiar with the area since I went to college there sooooo I called the guy and he confirmed that all I needed was an ID. *sighhhhh* I could not believe after all the trouble I went through... it all came down to something so so simple. The next day, I got up early.. went and got it done.. came back home and sent it all in to the FBI...and even did a full 8 hour shift at work that day. That was one of my more productive days.
Lesson learned:  Now I'm at peace. my heart is at peace. Why? because remember that Friends episode where Rachel was afraid she might be pregnant so after taking the pregnancy test, Phoebe told her that she wasn't.... and she was sad because even though she was scared about being pregnant..she was even more sad that she wasn't pregnant.  It's funny because this very Friends episode came to my mind during this whole ordeal..and when I talked to Jer (one of my close friends) about it..the same thing came to her mind. Anyway, my heart was torn in two. and I didn't want that. I wanted to have peace about leaving OR about staying. and I prayed for that for a long while. I wanted to go but I also wanted to stay. My heart just could not make up its mind. Yes, my heart seems to have a mind too. But after thinking & feeling like it was impossible to go.. I knew exactly what God wanted for me.  He had to put me through it all to help me realize how I'd really feel if I wasn't able to go. I truly believe so. If not, I'd probably still be going back & forth on the whole thing right now..I'm pretty sure.
Now, I'm at peace. Have you ever felt the Lord's peace come over you? It's amazingggggggg! It's an overwhelming experience. You'd have to go through it to understand how it feels. No words could ever describe it.
It's been about 4 weeks since I've sent my fingerprints in. From what I understand it could take up to 3 months to get results, but I have read that people get their's back in about 8 weeks or so. Now, I'm just waiting for it.. and getting some other paperwork ready for when it comes.
I'm excited! You probably wouldn't be able to tell if you heard me talk about it..because I don't think I show those kind of emotions well. But I am very excited to see what God has in store for me there... and see how He's going to use me. I'm excited to try new things. I'm very open to learning about the culture there and experience loads crazy things.

Even with the peace, it's still hard sometimes... especially with my parents and their problems. It's hard to explain and would probably take up another whole day to write it all out, so I'll go with the short version. I know my mom gets sad easily and sometimes it seems as though everyone is too busy to notice. She works hard.. at work and at home. She doesn't get a lot of rest especially with my little niece running around. Even when she's tired..she works. (that's how most moms are anyway right?) But I don't want to add another worry to her list. I wish she could see that she can be happy just being herself..and not having to have a perfect life or perfect husband to be happy. It'll be hard once I leave. I'll just have to constantly remind her that I'm ok. I hope that my siblings will be more patient with her. Yes, she can be crazy. We all are. But be patient with her and understand that she's hurting deep inside. Remember when your girlfriend or boyfriend broke your heart? Remember how much it hurt? Well, it's probably 10x worse for her. So, please be nice even when she's crazy.

Anyhow, it has taken me literally a whole day to write this entry and so I better log off and get something done before the day ends.
Oh I wanted to write a little bit about my current job but I'll save that for the next entry if I remember.