scared.

I may have a tough attitude on the outside, but inside I'm just like other girls.
I get scared easily.
Loud noise scares me.
People yelling scares me.
People fighting scares me.
Drunk people scare me.

I've seen my share of craziness here in Korea..and with every single one of those times, I've cried.
First time, I came home very late from Seoul one Sunday night.
Someone told me I should take the long way home (with less transfers) because there aren't many trains running at night. So, I did exactly what he said.
However, I had never gone that way before so everything was new to me (keep in mind this was just a few weeks after arriving to Korea).
Everything went well ..all the way until the train stopped at a station...and everyone hurried out. I looked around and saw a few people still sitting..so I thought I was ok. After a few minutes, the train didn't move. I looked through a window and saw the train conductor waving at me to go to where he was at. As I walked down through a few train carts..I realized that the people I saw sitting were only still there because they were passed out.
The conductor kindly opened one of the doors for me to step out. As I was doing so, he was waking up a lady..who I quickly realized was beyond drunk.
He gave her backpack to her and helped her up to go out, but she wasn't stable enough so she fell and hit her head on a metal rail. I got out right in time to see him help her get off the train and handed her bags to her. She fell straight to the ground and passed out again. I watched for a bit because it didn't look like she was going to make it safely out. I was afraid she'd fall into where the tracks were (that station had no doors to hide the tracks). Luckily, she fell to the ground and just laid there. That might not have been safe either, but it was definitely better than falling on to the tracks.
So, I stood there..tried to figure out what was going on. While doing that, an older man came up to me and asked me some questions in Korean. I just motioned to him that I didn't understand.  I usually wouldn't be scared, but it was close to midnight and that station was empty & extra dark by that time. I had no idea what to do so I ran downstairs..saw a sign with my city name on it..so I climbed up some other stairs and jumped onto a different train. While on that train, (it may just have been because I was scared already) this guy sat across from me and stared at me the whole time. It wasn't a nice stare..it was one of those.. stalking/scary stares. So, I called the other foreign teacher who was working with me at the time..and had her talk to me for a bit just to calm down a little. I finally got to my station and sped home, crying. That was the first time I felt like I needed a man beside me.

Second, I was also on the subway. This time, it was late also but not as late as before. For some odd reason, there are a lot of middle-eastern men in my town but that night seemed like there were a lot more than usual. There were some standing across from me on the subway.. but I wasn't bothered by them at all. I got off at my usual exit. Right when I got off the train, I felt a strong gust of wind going by right in front of me. Then, I hear these 2 guys yelling. I finally looked up and saw the two guys fighting. A Korean guy was yelling & swinging at a Middle-eastern guy. The Middle-eastern guy just tried to get away. He obviously didn't know any Korean, but it sure seemed like he did something wrong to the Korean guy on the subway. They finally chased each other down the opposite way, so I quickly walked up the stairs, but as I was exiting out I heard the loud noises coming up also. The Korean guy had the other guy by the shirt and was still yelling at him. I ran home in tears, wishing I had a man with me.

Then, just a while ago, while I was watching a Taiwanese drama I heard a loud tugging coming from outside. I turned down the sound a few times to try and figure out what it was, but didn't hear anything. So, I continued watching. After a while, I heard some talking so I turned the sound completely off and stepped closer to my door to listen. I heard a man yelling and his wife.. tugging at a door (trying to get inside apparently). As I listened some more, I heard a baby crying so hard. Sounded like the wife was outside trying to calm the husband down, while another girl was inside with the baby. I heard the girl scream a few times because the guy was tugging so hard. My heart sank when I heard the baby cry. I squatted down in tears by my door.

To be scared without a man? or to be scared being with a man?
Not all men are like that, I know.
But how do you know how he will become after marriage?
How do you know he won't change?
How do you know if he'll be good to you? or if he won't?
You don't.
You get to know him as well as you can...and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.. hoping that he won't change, only hoping for the best.
But that's all we can do- Hope.
Why? because people can change. and they do. sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

 I've seen plenty of broken marriages, bad relationships, unfaithfulness.
When I see loving couples, I wish I was in a relationship.
When I see fighting couples, I'm so glad I'm not in one.

But this is what I've concluded.
Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I will gladly accept.
He knows my wants and desires. He knows it all.
And if He has someone ready to take on my impatience, my quick temper, my laziness, my fragile and once broken heart, then I am ready to meet him. I'm ready to meet someone who is not scared of anything or anyone else except the Father, himself.

However, if He has better plans for me. If it is His will for me to live the way I am now.. forever, then let it be.

In Him, I trust.
This world is temporary. My home is in Heaven.