Loss.

I can't even remember what day it was that my husband and I went to the doctors for an ultrasound and found out there was no baby.
2 weeks prior we had gone in for our first prenatal appointment. According to my last menstrual cycle, I should've been around 10 weeks. After looking for a less than a minute, Dr told us I looked to be about 6 weeks only which meant it was too early to measure size of the baby and also too early to check for heartbeat. I couldn't understand how it was even possible given that I found out exactly 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant. I thought that I would've been at least 3-4 weeks in order to get a positive test. Dr didn't seem to worried and told us to come back for another one in 2 weeks.
I wasn't worried until I started thinking back to some of the things I read a long time ago when I was pregnant with Grace. I remembered reading that if the baby was measuring smaller, it could mean that something was wrong....which could lead to a miscarriage. I expressed my concerns to my husband on our way home and he told me not to worry so much. I came home and told my mom and my sister and cried. A lot of people were telling me not to worry. But I worried. Things just didn't seem right anymore.
I waited 2 long weeks.
Before dr was going to do the ultrasound, he asked my husband if he wanted a boy or a girl. My husband said it didn't matter, but since we had a girl already..it would be nice to have a boy. Dr looked for a bit.. asked me if I had any bleeding.. I answered no. He then said he's not seeing anything. All I could say was "really?" And then he turned the screen toward us and I saw nothing. No baby. The little cluster of something that was there before was no longer there. All the stuff the dr said afterwards was a blur. I was trying to process everything quickly and figure out what could've gone wrong. Maybe the ultrasound machine was wrong? Maybe the dr didn't take enough time looking? Maybe the dr was wrong? The dr kept talking and he just kept talking and talking. And then the tears came. The dr paused. After a few minutes, my husband told me to listen to what the dr had to say and then go from there since everyone didn't have time to wait around for me to finish crying. So I listened, agreed to do some blood tests, and then left.
I cried on the way home. I got home, laid in bed and cried. I called work and told them I couldn't go in that day, but I don't know if they could even understand what I said in between all the crying. When I finally came out of the room, I hugged my mom and cried. Crying was all that I could do. I text my family and close friends about what happened, which may have been a bad idea because every reply I got I cried some more.
Then, I decided I needed to do something to make myself feel better instead of locking myself up in my room and cry all day. So my husband and I took Grace out and just spent time together. That was probably the best thing I could've done for myself at that time. Spending time with Grace made me feel so much better.

I don't know what happened to baby. I don't think I will ever know. The dr said my body could've just absorbed baby and that's why I never had any bleeding. I still get sad when I think about it from time to time. I understand that my body got rid of it because it wasn't good. something was wrong. I know. I understand. But my heart still aches. I was so happy to have gotten pregnant. I took my prenatal vitamins every night. I tried to eat as healthy as I could. I took care of baby the best way I could. I don't know if it was because of me or if it just wasn't meant to be. When I did see baby at the first ultrasound, baby didn't look formed at all. And I'm glad that I didn't get to see when baby was more formed because I think my heart would be hurting a lot more.

Today, I didn't eat much at work but I didn't feel hungry. My pregnancy symptoms are gone.
It hit me. I am really not pregnant anymore.