h e a r t broken on Christmas

4 days ago, I saw a bit of spotting after using the restroom. I prepared myself for a week of feeling bloated and uncomfortable, but nothing came. 

2 days later, I took 2 pregnancy tests that came out positive. Faint, but positive.

I wanted to keep it from everyone, but my sister found out and then I told my husband. I thought "at last, this one was going to be the one" I thanked God for giving me another chance. I prayed that He would let me be the mother to this child. 

The next morning, I took another one. The line grew more faint.

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something trickling down. I grabbed another test and ran to the restroom.  

My period came. The test read negative. No faint line.

I guess this is what they call a "chemical" pregnancy. A very early miscarriage - when a sperm has fertilized an egg, but later on, the egg fails to survive.

But we'll never know what really happened. 

Why do I feel so alone in this journey? 

My heart is broken into pieces and life is just suppose to go on. 

Miscarriage

I woke up to mild contractions around 5am this morning. It was still dark. The only light I saw came from the computer screen that my father-in-law left on from the night before. I was tired but the pain quickly became too painful for me to drift back to sleep. The dr said my body may have absorbed the baby so I figured maye I won't get to go through any pain. However when the dr told us on Friday that the yolk sac was inside my uterus with no baby, I should've known. I should've done more research to prepare myself of what was to come. After about 30 minutes of bearing through the painful contractions I woke my husband up because I didn't know what else to do. Half asleep, he tried comforting me with things he was learning from other people who had gone through miscarriages and had written their experiences online. I finally got up to use the restroom and saw a few big pieces of blood clots which explained a lot of things. I finally realized it was really happening. The miscarriage. After another 30-40 minutes of more intense contractions, I was convinced I needed to go to the hospital. My husband refused. He kept looking up things online. I was so upset. I started to cry but the pain kept me from doing so. In between the contractions I remembered wondering why I had to go through such a horrible experience if I didn't get a baby in the end. I just wanted everything to be over and done with so I could move on and try again. After an excruciating contraction, I went back into the restroom and sat on the toilet. I felt so many things come out of me. It was the weirdest and possibly craziest feeling ever. I sat there for about half a minute and then I felt a huge blob come out of me. It was about the size of my palm. And then the pain disappeared as if it was never there to begin with. My husband came into the restroom and again have me reasons why it would be a waste of money to go to the hospital. Annoyed, I told him the pain had went away already. He refused to look at what had come out so he went back to bed. I put it in my hand, examined it, and flushed it. I was finally able to rest for another 2 hours before waking up to a puddle of blood but I guess that's all part of miscarriages. Sorry for the TMI post.

(Saved draft from March 17, 2014)


wow. I can't believe the last time I logged on was nearly 2 years ago.
So much has happened since then.

In June of 2012 I got a job in Sacramento.
I got married (the Hmong way) in September the same year [updated in a previous blog].
We had our American wedding on Feb 23, 2013. It was simple but beautiful.
On March 6, 2013 we found out we were expecting a little one in November.
My husband got a job about 4 hours away and started working there in October 2013.
I gave birth to our daughter Grace on Nov 23, 2013.
We officially moved to where my husband was at towards the end of January 2014.
I've been a stay at home mom since I went on maternity leave at 36 weeks.

I have a horrible memory. I really do.
I have so many pictures and video clips of Grace but I thought I'd also blog about it.. making sure I won't ever forget.

Grace was pretty normal when we got home from the hospital.
She woke up to nurse every 2-3 hours. She slept through the night ok.
Then, a few weeks later she started to cry a lot more than usual.
Through blogs and mother groups on fb- I found out that she was going through "growth spurts"- something I had never heard of before.
Apparently, it happens every so often with babies...and when it happens, baby cries more.. nurses more.. all that good stuff that makes you go crazy.
They say it should last only a few days to a week, but I feel like it lasts a few weeks to a month for Grace. I don't know. maybe I'm over exaggerating a bit but that's how it feels.

Around 2 months- she developed this habit of not wanting to be cradled like a baby.
she only wanted to be held in a vertical position.

Loss.

I can't even remember what day it was that my husband and I went to the doctors for an ultrasound and found out there was no baby.
2 weeks prior we had gone in for our first prenatal appointment. According to my last menstrual cycle, I should've been around 10 weeks. After looking for a less than a minute, Dr told us I looked to be about 6 weeks only which meant it was too early to measure size of the baby and also too early to check for heartbeat. I couldn't understand how it was even possible given that I found out exactly 6 weeks ago that I was pregnant. I thought that I would've been at least 3-4 weeks in order to get a positive test. Dr didn't seem to worried and told us to come back for another one in 2 weeks.
I wasn't worried until I started thinking back to some of the things I read a long time ago when I was pregnant with Grace. I remembered reading that if the baby was measuring smaller, it could mean that something was wrong....which could lead to a miscarriage. I expressed my concerns to my husband on our way home and he told me not to worry so much. I came home and told my mom and my sister and cried. A lot of people were telling me not to worry. But I worried. Things just didn't seem right anymore.
I waited 2 long weeks.
Before dr was going to do the ultrasound, he asked my husband if he wanted a boy or a girl. My husband said it didn't matter, but since we had a girl already..it would be nice to have a boy. Dr looked for a bit.. asked me if I had any bleeding.. I answered no. He then said he's not seeing anything. All I could say was "really?" And then he turned the screen toward us and I saw nothing. No baby. The little cluster of something that was there before was no longer there. All the stuff the dr said afterwards was a blur. I was trying to process everything quickly and figure out what could've gone wrong. Maybe the ultrasound machine was wrong? Maybe the dr didn't take enough time looking? Maybe the dr was wrong? The dr kept talking and he just kept talking and talking. And then the tears came. The dr paused. After a few minutes, my husband told me to listen to what the dr had to say and then go from there since everyone didn't have time to wait around for me to finish crying. So I listened, agreed to do some blood tests, and then left.
I cried on the way home. I got home, laid in bed and cried. I called work and told them I couldn't go in that day, but I don't know if they could even understand what I said in between all the crying. When I finally came out of the room, I hugged my mom and cried. Crying was all that I could do. I text my family and close friends about what happened, which may have been a bad idea because every reply I got I cried some more.
Then, I decided I needed to do something to make myself feel better instead of locking myself up in my room and cry all day. So my husband and I took Grace out and just spent time together. That was probably the best thing I could've done for myself at that time. Spending time with Grace made me feel so much better.

I don't know what happened to baby. I don't think I will ever know. The dr said my body could've just absorbed baby and that's why I never had any bleeding. I still get sad when I think about it from time to time. I understand that my body got rid of it because it wasn't good. something was wrong. I know. I understand. But my heart still aches. I was so happy to have gotten pregnant. I took my prenatal vitamins every night. I tried to eat as healthy as I could. I took care of baby the best way I could. I don't know if it was because of me or if it just wasn't meant to be. When I did see baby at the first ultrasound, baby didn't look formed at all. And I'm glad that I didn't get to see when baby was more formed because I think my heart would be hurting a lot more.

Today, I didn't eat much at work but I didn't feel hungry. My pregnancy symptoms are gone.
It hit me. I am really not pregnant anymore.