One year

8:02pm Monday, April 2, 2012
A year has come and gone.
I cannot believe I've lived and survived in a different country for a whole year.
I was thinking about it the other day..and there are so many people who live in only one country for their whole life.. never getting to see and experience anything else.
I feel so privileged to have gotten the chance to live and experience Korea.
No matter what I do or where I go in life, I'm sure I'll always remember my time spent here.

Tomorrow is my last day of teaching.
I will probably never hear kids calling me Nugee Teacher ever again.
What a bitter sweet feeling.
I'm so excited to go home and surprise my family, but a little worried about going home to.. no job.
However, I'm sure the Lord will watch over me and guide me..as He has here in Korea.

I'm having a goodbye dinner with my coworkers tomorrow after work. Then, I'll spend the rest of the night cleaning because some people will be coming by Wednesday morning to check my place for the new teacher. Hopefully they can put my deposit into my account before I leave.
Then, at night Sheng will be coming here to help me take my luggages to the airport.
I don't fly out until Thursday morning, but I need help with luggages so I will be spending a night at the airport..once again.
I will probably blog some more there. I'm not even going to post this until I get to the states. I'm not sure if my sister reads my blog or not.
Oh. It's going to be so fun surprising them. I'm hoping to get it all on camera :)

Thursday, April 5, 2012 7:59am
Waiting to board at Incheon Airport.
Surprisingly, I'm not feeling sad nor excited.
I'm not emotional at all. It is the weirdest thing.
However, I guess I've always been prepared to leave this place.
I knew I'd only be here for a year or two. I knew better to not get too comfortable.
So, I guess it's ok to not feel anything.
I came to Korea with only 2 luggages and I'm leaving with the same luggages plus 5 boxes shipped home :/
It has been a nice, fun, exciting, adventurous year.
I'll miss so many things about this place, but I look forward to what God has in store for me in the states.
Farewell South Korea~~

Life now.

Today, oddly enough, I wanted to blog.

Thought about creating a new one, but remembered I still have this one.

So. I figured I should just update here.

write about whatever I want. life. love. everything. 

I'm enjoying a quiet Saturday all by myself while my "husband" is at work.

The first part of my Hmong wedding took place 2 weekends ago. So, I'm officially married in the Hmong way. However, we are still planning for an American wedding which will hopefully happen next year.

To Hmong people, I say I'm married.

To others, I say I'm engaged.

it's funny because then some people refer to him as my fiance and others refer to him as my husband.

me? I call him my "homie" because he is. 

It's been about 6 months since I've been back from Korea. I read my previous blog and realized that I never wrote about how I decided to come back home.

Long story short. When I decided that I was going to stay another year in Korea, my heart just wasn't settling.  I was extremely sad with that decision. Talked to a lot of friends and family about it. At the end, I decided to come home and felt the biggest relief ever. 

I still think about Korea often. I hope to be able to go back and visit one day in the future. But for now, I'm happy where I'm at now.

Wedding planning is frustrating because I don't know where to start.

and with a small budget.. it's even harder.

I dedicated this whole weekend to planning, but instead I'm figuring out other ways to keep me occupied. blogging.

Anyway. I guess that's enough updates for now.

OMG I just realized I had saved a post that I was waiting to publish once I got home from Korea! Published now!

Winter Vacation 2011

One more class to teach in the afternoon today and I'll be on vacation!
a very much needed vacation in Thailand..
Going home to finish packing and heading out to spend the night at Sheng's after work.

I'm beyond excited to go and see my parents.
No words can describe how incredibly excited I am.

Anyway, I'll be taking lots of pictures- will post them after.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a very merry New Year, everyone!

Ready or not

2 weeks to make a decision went down to 1 day.
I was told yesterday that they'd like to know by today what my decision will be.
I quickly called my mom during my lunch break yesterday and gave her the news.
I'm sure she knew it was coming.
Got more emotional than I thought.
Take away the bills that I still need to pay off, then I'd be the happiest girl alive. because it would mean I can go home.. and not worry about not having a job to pay ..of course the monthly bills.
However, it would make life too easy right? taking bills away. It's like taking pain away from the world. Of course it would be easier to live without pain.. or without bills. But there would be no excitement. no hard decision-making. no traveling to the other side of the world to pay off bills. no adventure. the world could get pretty boring.
So, I made the decision to stay.
Talking to Sheng on skype last night made me realize that I knew I would be staying another year. I just couldn't admit to it. and I still can't. because honestly, I really want to go home. spend some time with my baby. and not seeing my family for another year. really? Can I really do that?
Can or.. cannot. I will have to. now.
I told them today that I will re-sign.
Here's to another year in Korea and to saving money (so I don't have to stay a third year).
FIGHTING!!
Oh and the first snow fall came today. It was light. and pretty. but it's freezing cold.

To stay or to leave.

As if lesson planning, teaching, and planning for Winter camp is not enough, I was told this morning that I need to figure out by the end of this month.. if I'll be re-signing or not. Where did the time go? How am I already starting my 9th month here..and needing to make a decision on staying or leaving?
A part of me wants to stay. A part of me wants to go.
Thinking about all the bills I could possibly pay off if I stayed another year.. makes me want to stay.
Then I look at pictures of my niece growing up so fast without me.. and I want to leave.

I had my heart set on staying for just one year. But now, I really don't know.

I miss my sister.

Had a busy weekend. like always.

Saturday: went to my Korean class, had coffee with my teacher,
shopped & ate pumpkin pie (@Starbucks) in Myeong dong,

shopped some more & had all-you-can-eat meat buffet in Ewha, took the subway all the way back to Choua's place, talked, and slept.

Sunday: woke up early, filmed in Ecclesia (church cafe), attended service (Did you know that only 0.21% of the population in Japan are Christians? AND there's so much prostitution happening with middle school and high school students. heart breaking. Also, I learned that there are 2 kinds of peace in the Japanese or Chinese language. Heywa is the peace you have when there's no trouble or difficulty. Heyon is the peace you have even in trouble or difficulty.), volunteered at the HaeShim orphanage around Seoul Stn.

In front of the orphanage.

This little guy got a little tired. It was cute watching him sleep.

Soobin! 

I met her the last time I went. Bought her candies.

She ran up to me and gave me a huge hug the moment she saw me.

This baby cried a lot. didn't want to go to anyone.

But I won his heart with my motherly ways :)

So, as you can tell from my Sunday schedule that I had no time to eat. I ran around all day long.

Not to mention, I started my period that morning (Sorry, that was too much information but it's important for the story I'm going to share). 

My cramps started to get really bad towards the end of our orphanage visit. I walked back to the station quickly, but by the time I got there.. I felt like I was about to die. I ran to use the restroom and then bought myself a black coffee (luckily there was a Dunkin' Donuts in the subway). I couldn't bear to stand up while waiting for them to brew the coffee so I squatted down next to the stand and waited. When I finally got it, the temperature of it didn't matter anymore. I chugged it, leaving my tongue feeling not-so-nice. I squatted down in front of the lockers & slowly found some strength to open my locker and get my bags out (I had a ton of stuff with me). Took some pain relief medicine, drank more coffee, and remembered I had the pumpkin pie that Sheng and Choua had given to me. I had no forks..nothing. So, I used my fingers :/ 

[Btw, I think I have a high tolerance for pain. I really think I do.

But my cramps.. well, my cramps are just really really bad.

And, if you know me well.. you'd know that when I get hungry.. I get really hungry.. really fast.

and I have absolutely no strength to do anything at all.

So, I need food right away.]

Anyway, keep in mind..the whole time I'm chugging the coffee and pumpkin pie, I'm squatting down by the lockers with my back turned towards the massive crowds that came every 5 minutes. I had no shame at that moment. I was in so much pain. I seriously felt like dying was a better option at that time.

FINALLY, after 10-15 minutes (which seemed like a year and a half) the pain slowly started to fade. I needed to get home..to eat food. I didn't want to stop for food. I wanted to just come home.

So, I put my jacket on, grabbed my huge bags, and made my way to the subway. Not surprisingly, there were no seats on the train. I had to stand. and usually, I'm fine with it. This time was different. I needed to sit.. and if I couldn't sit on a seat.. I would need to at least be in a squat position because I was hungry, I had no strength, & I was still having cramps. However, being in a squat position in the train is pretty impossible... not just because there's no room but also because it's weird. Nobody ever squats on a train. So, I tried to hold myself up as best I could. I held the rail with my hand and rested my head on my arm. I started to feel dizzy.. and my legs felt like they were going to give up on me. Still, there were no seats. 

Then, I finally got to transfer to the next line. I felt better walking, but as soon as I got onto the train, I went right back to feeling the same way. Again, no seats. I stood closer to the people sitting this time.. in hopes of getting someone's seat. After about 3 stops, the lady in front of me was getting off. I thought to myself "I really really need to sit down," but right when I was about to sit, an older man walked up really quick and tried to sit before I did. He was older than me..so I was going to let him, but the ajumma who was standing next to me (the whole time I had my head down on my arm) pushed me right into the seat and told me to sit. She could probably tell by my face that I really wasn't feeling too good. 

A few stops after, I got off at my station and cabbed home. 

My sister was still up so I skyped with her and told her about how I almost died.

I told her and then quickly got up, turned around, & cried. 

If she was here, things would've happened so differently. She wouldn't have let me go the whole day without eating.  I wouldn't have felt like I was going to die.. because I knew someone would be there to catch me if I was to collapse.  

I miss you Pader.

Now, I obviously knew I wasn't really going to die, but I wasn't sure how much pain my body could take..especially with no food in my stomach. So, I honestly was very afraid that I could pass out and if I did, I don't know what would or could happen. 

But God seriously loves me.

He knew how much I needed that seat. 

He brought random people to help me. 

He helped me find enough strength to get back home... all in one piece.

Just like Thanksgiving Day.

I thought I was going to have to eat dinner all by myself.

But my student's mom picked me up after work.. and took me out with them to have some delicious noodles at a chinese restaurant. I didn't realize it until I got home, but that was my Thanksgiving dinner :)   

No matter how tough things get for me here..

He's taking care of me.

always has and always will.

be still. listen. rejoice.

I told myself to not think about home so much.. the very minute I landed here
I told myself that I chose to come on my own. I chose to live across country from my family & friends.
I did everything on my own.
If I miss anyone. or anything. it would be my fault and no one else's.
So, don't complain. don't regret. don't miss home.
In order to do that, I had to keep myself busy.
Luckily, work helped a lot. I had tons of prepping to do at home the first few months I was here. considering the fact that I've never written or even seen a lesson plan before coming here.
Even now. I have work to do sometimes.
When I don't have work, I watch korean dramas. taiwanese dramas. grey's anatomy. thai lakorn.
When I'm not watching them, I'm in Seoul with my friends. usually eating.

I've kept myself pretty busy. leaving little time for me to miss home.

Sadly, it has become a bad habit of mine. to always find something to do.
I want to just sit. think. listen.
I want to find that peace I found last Summer at SALT in Nebraska. on a bench. by the lake.
I want to be still and hear God speak.
Francis Chan spoke about it. For us to be still. do nothing. just rejoice in the Lord.
How can something so simple be so hard?
Sometimes I get myself to put my computer away, turn everything off and just lay on the couch.
but while laying there. all I think about it what I need to do. what I can get done during that time.
doing nothing. has become quite difficult.

And now. even if I'm busy. I miss home.
I miss feeling like someone understands me.
I miss sleeping close to my sister during the cold nights.
I miss watching Avelena. I miss giving her kisses.
I miss eating dinner at the dinner table with my parents.
I miss hearing my brothers' lame jokes.
I miss having a family to come home to.
I miss The Packing House worship and Pastor Ed's messages.
I miss homemade pho. especially when my family eats while on skype with me.
I miss knowing that someone would be looking for me if I didn't come home.

Before I left, I promised to not cry in front of my parents.
being this far away from them is probably hard enough on them.
seeing me cry would tear their hearts apart.
My mom asks me often. if I miss them. I always say "a little bit"
but deep inside. I miss them like crazy. and if I were to say it out loud I'd probably cry for hours.

Anyway, I need to get this time of the month done and over with soon.
cuz this emotional roller coaster I'm on is driving me nuts :/