Re-sign?

While walking back from lunch the other day, the Korean lady who's in charge of our center asked me about re-signing. It totally caught me off guard because I wasn't planning on thinking too much about it until the beginning of next year.
She asked if I find the center to be too difficult or if I liked it. I told her that it is a lot of work but I enjoy it. Then, she told me about a few changes that will happen for the next school year, which will start in March of 2012. Some of those changes seem to leave me with less lesson planning :)
I get an extra 2 weeks of vacation if I do re-sign which will give me about 6 weeks of paid vacation in one year. 6 weeks....AND a whole bunch of holidays and stuff.
But every time I think about my family..and everyone back at home, I don't know if I should stay.
I think if I stayed another year, I'd be able to save a bit more money and pay off some more debt, but I don't know.

I've been here for 7 months.
Another 5 more months to complete my 1 yr contract.
*sigh* Decisions Decisions!!

Autumn in Uijeongbu

It got cold. fast.
Seemed like just yesterday I prayed for the Summer humidity to quickly pass.
Now, it's freezing cold.
Worse thing about it is that it's only Fall.

I went to Hae Shim Orphanage this past Sunday.

It was weird at first. I couldn't understand a thing. So, it was a bit difficult.

But in the end, I played with the babies. and everything was ok.

This baby girl woke up from her afternoon nap and didn't want to come out from the room.

There were too many strangers, I think.

She sat next the wall where the door was.. so I slowly crawled to the other side of the door and asked if she was ok (in Korean of course). She nodded her head. and we became friends instantly.

She came to me. We put a sweater, socks, and shoes on her.. I held her hand and we went to play outside. We sat on the swing together.. & I let her take a few pictures with my camera. Then, it came time to go. As I led her back up to the room, she whined a little. I knew she wanted to stay, but couldn't.. so slowly walked her back upstairs. I put her in the toddlers' room, grabbed my stuff, then said goodbye. As soon as she saw me leaving, she got up and came to the door.. even tried opening it.

I can't imagine my life without a mom or a dad.

I wish I could give all the kids there..the love and warmth that they need.

I wish I could teach English to them.. instead of to kids who are more fortunate.. to have their mom bring them snacks while picking them up from school to go to Academy, but take it all for granted.

I wish I could tell them about Jesus. and how with Him, I've never once felt alone being away from my family. I wish I could tell them about how much Jesus loves them. 

The kids there will forever remain in my heart.

scared.

I may have a tough attitude on the outside, but inside I'm just like other girls.
I get scared easily.
Loud noise scares me.
People yelling scares me.
People fighting scares me.
Drunk people scare me.

I've seen my share of craziness here in Korea..and with every single one of those times, I've cried.
First time, I came home very late from Seoul one Sunday night.
Someone told me I should take the long way home (with less transfers) because there aren't many trains running at night. So, I did exactly what he said.
However, I had never gone that way before so everything was new to me (keep in mind this was just a few weeks after arriving to Korea).
Everything went well ..all the way until the train stopped at a station...and everyone hurried out. I looked around and saw a few people still sitting..so I thought I was ok. After a few minutes, the train didn't move. I looked through a window and saw the train conductor waving at me to go to where he was at. As I walked down through a few train carts..I realized that the people I saw sitting were only still there because they were passed out.
The conductor kindly opened one of the doors for me to step out. As I was doing so, he was waking up a lady..who I quickly realized was beyond drunk.
He gave her backpack to her and helped her up to go out, but she wasn't stable enough so she fell and hit her head on a metal rail. I got out right in time to see him help her get off the train and handed her bags to her. She fell straight to the ground and passed out again. I watched for a bit because it didn't look like she was going to make it safely out. I was afraid she'd fall into where the tracks were (that station had no doors to hide the tracks). Luckily, she fell to the ground and just laid there. That might not have been safe either, but it was definitely better than falling on to the tracks.
So, I stood there..tried to figure out what was going on. While doing that, an older man came up to me and asked me some questions in Korean. I just motioned to him that I didn't understand.  I usually wouldn't be scared, but it was close to midnight and that station was empty & extra dark by that time. I had no idea what to do so I ran downstairs..saw a sign with my city name on it..so I climbed up some other stairs and jumped onto a different train. While on that train, (it may just have been because I was scared already) this guy sat across from me and stared at me the whole time. It wasn't a nice stare..it was one of those.. stalking/scary stares. So, I called the other foreign teacher who was working with me at the time..and had her talk to me for a bit just to calm down a little. I finally got to my station and sped home, crying. That was the first time I felt like I needed a man beside me.

Second, I was also on the subway. This time, it was late also but not as late as before. For some odd reason, there are a lot of middle-eastern men in my town but that night seemed like there were a lot more than usual. There were some standing across from me on the subway.. but I wasn't bothered by them at all. I got off at my usual exit. Right when I got off the train, I felt a strong gust of wind going by right in front of me. Then, I hear these 2 guys yelling. I finally looked up and saw the two guys fighting. A Korean guy was yelling & swinging at a Middle-eastern guy. The Middle-eastern guy just tried to get away. He obviously didn't know any Korean, but it sure seemed like he did something wrong to the Korean guy on the subway. They finally chased each other down the opposite way, so I quickly walked up the stairs, but as I was exiting out I heard the loud noises coming up also. The Korean guy had the other guy by the shirt and was still yelling at him. I ran home in tears, wishing I had a man with me.

Then, just a while ago, while I was watching a Taiwanese drama I heard a loud tugging coming from outside. I turned down the sound a few times to try and figure out what it was, but didn't hear anything. So, I continued watching. After a while, I heard some talking so I turned the sound completely off and stepped closer to my door to listen. I heard a man yelling and his wife.. tugging at a door (trying to get inside apparently). As I listened some more, I heard a baby crying so hard. Sounded like the wife was outside trying to calm the husband down, while another girl was inside with the baby. I heard the girl scream a few times because the guy was tugging so hard. My heart sank when I heard the baby cry. I squatted down in tears by my door.

To be scared without a man? or to be scared being with a man?
Not all men are like that, I know.
But how do you know how he will become after marriage?
How do you know he won't change?
How do you know if he'll be good to you? or if he won't?
You don't.
You get to know him as well as you can...and decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.. hoping that he won't change, only hoping for the best.
But that's all we can do- Hope.
Why? because people can change. and they do. sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

 I've seen plenty of broken marriages, bad relationships, unfaithfulness.
When I see loving couples, I wish I was in a relationship.
When I see fighting couples, I'm so glad I'm not in one.

But this is what I've concluded.
Whatever the Lord has in store for me, I will gladly accept.
He knows my wants and desires. He knows it all.
And if He has someone ready to take on my impatience, my quick temper, my laziness, my fragile and once broken heart, then I am ready to meet him. I'm ready to meet someone who is not scared of anything or anyone else except the Father, himself.

However, if He has better plans for me. If it is His will for me to live the way I am now.. forever, then let it be.

In Him, I trust.
This world is temporary. My home is in Heaven.

Nami Island & Learning Korean

Last weekend was a 3 day weekend because of Korea's National Foundation Day & I have no idea what that is.
Saturday night, we met up with Pajai's sisters and friends at Thai Garden in Itaewon. Quite a few girls showed up. Choua made reservations so we got our own semi private room. We made it a surprise "bachelorette/bridal shower party" for Pajai. Girls' nights are always fun.. especially with wonderful girls.
My cousin Phumee came up to Seoul also so we took a trip to Nami Island together with Shengmee. It was beautiful. I've always wanted to go there. Seriously. ever since I saw Winter Sonata in 2005/2006 or something. Anyway, we made a 2 hour subway trip to Hapjeong Stn. After waiting for about 30 minutes for a taxi, we finally got one.. who almost killed us. He was doing 80 down a curvy road, passing up a bus, and hitting the breaks right in time while another car tried getting in front of us from a small road. This homie opened the door and yelled at that other driver for a good minute before speeding off again. Korean cab drivers are reckless, but so convenient :/

Here's a picture from the island:

Here's one of us girls:

And here's a random shot I took with the beautiful colored leaves:

There were sooo many couples there. Next time, I'd like to go as a couple also :P

I started taking a free Korean class on Saturday mornings. It has been nice. I hope I can continue to go. 

Here's a picture of my small class. 

This picture was taken by a guy in my class. I'm the one sitting in the front.. like a nerd.

I'm in level 1A, which is the level right after level 0 (where you learn the Korean alphabet) :P 

I've been here for 6 months now! So crazy. Everyone's asking if I'm going to re-sign or not. I haven't decided yet. It's too soon to tell. 

I have so many stories to share, but not enough time to write it all out. 

Seng-hil chuk-ha hamnida & Happy Chueseok!

Having friends and cousins here have been one of the greatest blessings.
Not to mention nice coworkers as well.
Things were pretty tough in the beginning, but everything's alright now. We just needed time.
Thursday, before we left for vacation my coworkers bought a cake for me. So sweet of them.

Then, my cousins and friends planned a surprise birthday party for me at my own place!

For Chuseok, we just hung out in Seoul mostly.

I spent Friday by myself. I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home and skyped with my family. 

Then on Saturday I met up with the girls at Sheng's place. From there, we went and had "legit" pho and vietnamese sandwiches in Itaewon. 

Afterwards, we grabbed bubble tea from Myeongdong. (yumm the strawberry yogurt was good!)

Went on a Han River cruise at Yeonuinaru.

Hit up Hongdae to visit the Hello Kitty cafe & the Coffee Prince cafe (sadly, Coffee Prince was closed).

My friends spent the whole Sunday lying to me about what they were doing.

I went to the afternoon Church service at Jubilee, then Choua stalled and stalled in order for them to get everything done. I finally came home to a beautiful surprise :) egg rolls, bacon with cabbage, pineapple, Baskin Robbins ice cream cake, and most important of all FRIENDS :) We even went to the Norebang.

Then, Monday we went to Choua's (Sinsa & Apgujeong area), walked to the Han River, ate ramyun, took loads of pictures with Choua's nice camera, played some basketball, and ended the day with some sam-gyup-sal for dinner :P 

We woke up Tuesday, made more food (lol), said bye to Maychee :( and everyone went their own separate ways.

It was sad saying "goodbye" to another friend.  Take care Maychee! You will be missed in Korea, but we'll see you soon in California!

Goodbyes

Looks like the only time I think about updating my blog is when I have no English subbed kdrama or thai lakorn to watch.
That's my life here.
I wake up, watch as many videos as I can while on skype with my baby girl and getting ready for work, get to work, squeeze in a few more videos, get on facebook, teach some classes, make a few lesson plans,  come back home, skype with my sister if she's not asleep already, watch more movies/videos, go to sleep, and wake up the next morning to do the same thing.  Of course, weekends are completely different. I think I've only stayed in town a total of 4 weekends since I've been in Korea :/
I'm not complaining though. I kinda like it.
Even though I've done so much already, I still feel like there's so much more to do..and one year may not be enough.

We just had our Summer break, now starting semester 2 at our school.
After the first semester ended, I seriously considered staying another year..
But now that school has started up again, I'm not so sure about it anymore.
I like the kids, I don't mind the teaching, but I'm not sure I can handle another year here.
We will have to see though.

Anyway, I've been here exactly 5 months today.
Time sure flies. Felt like it was just yesterday that I walked into my apartment with a funky smell (that I've since gotten use to).

I said my first goodbye here today to the other English teacher at my school, who had become a good friend of mine. We got along quite well. I remember telling my sister that we talk like we've known each other for years. Although we didn't get to spend much time together (outside of school), we got to spend most of our work days together. She showed me places that have since become my favorite. The saddest part of it all is that we will probably never see each other again.
I went and said goodbye to her before heading out this morning.
After work, I stopped by her apartment to grab a blanket that she had left for me.
The empty apartment only made it more real. She's really gone.

Here, English teachers come and go.
Soon it'll be my turn.

Happy Parents' Day!

In Korea, they celebrate Children's Day on the 5th of May (at least that's what it was this year). It's a national holiday believe it or not so we had the day off also :)  Anyway, on this particular day...kids pretty much get spoiled by their parents.. they have no school and they just get to go out and do whatever they want. In our area here, I saw a lot of kids play in the little water/river thing. The center here was FULL of kids and parents. It was a little overwhelming. But as I'm writing this.. I felt like I should've volunteered at an Orphanage that day.. Less fortunate kids were probably so sad that day. Ok, next year if I'm still here, I'll do it. (note to self)

Before I go any further, I wanted to explain why I deleted my previous post. I was extremely frustrated and when I think back to it..I still am. It was difficult because it's not easy to make them understand that the way they do things is frustrating for the English teachers. My feelings and thoughts don't seem to matter much here, which is fine. It has never really mattered to people so I can handle that, but all the jobs I've had before this..they'd do some sort of training before they throw you in. It's completely different here. What you think may be impossible for them to do.. they will do. And if you do it wrong, it will be your fault and nobody else's.  Yes, I'm still adjusting to that type of 'doing' here. Many things I've already grown accustomed to, but that.... I have to work on still. I do feel a little more at ease since the new girl has arrived though, sad to say. Why? because she gets to go through what I went through... and it's not that I wish that on anyone, but it made me realize that it wasn't me at all... nor was it them. It's just how they do things here. Also, it feels good to know a little more than someone else, I must admit. I'm horrible. Oh yeah, so I decided to delete it because I don't want people to think that I'm having a horrible time here because I'm not. I love it here. I get to travel to so many places. I get to interact with kids. I get to be independent. So, I'm doing well.

Alright, so right after Children's Day comes Parents' Day which falls on Mother's Day in the states. It wasn't a big deal here since our parents are all in the states, but the sermon at church was about parents.. and how we should think of ourselves as children of God.. like children children.. you know, like young children who long to be like their mom or their dad one day... and wants to play with their mom or dad all the time, never wanting them to leave. That's how we should be and feel towards God. SOooo true! At the beginning of service, Pajai and I went up to the little cafe area of the church, sat down, and started talking a bit.  She was telling me about how her sister have so much hair on their arms...so one day she complained to her mom and said that she was sad she was born that way.  Then, her mom said "Kuv twb yug tau koj zoo npaum no es ua li cas koj tseem yuav hais li ko? Twb muaj ob txhais tes, ob txhais taw, ntiv taw ntiv tes los muaj tas es tseem yuav tshaw dab tsi thiab?" Ohh my goodness.. my tears fell the moment I heard those words. All my life, I've always wanted something more. I've always wondered why I was born like this or like that. Why couldn't I have been born better in certain areas. Pajai didn't know what to do. She didn't even know why I was crying. I told her that.. it made me miss my mom...and she asked me if it was because my mom said that to me.. but I told her "no." However, I know very well that.. that's how she feels. As children, we blame our parents for all the faults we have.. from our height.. to our temper. But our mother gave us all that we need to survive in this world and is blinded from the physical flaws we see in ourselves. To her, we are perfect.
Furthermore, that's how God feels toward us. He made us in His image yet we try so hard to change our physical appearance just to fit the world's standards. He made us perfect in His eyes yet we get angry about the small things that don't even matter.
Ever since my last relationship, I've closed my heart off to everyone. I've opened it a little & have even seen some light, but right when I feel like I can or will get hurt..I turn the lights off and close the door again. Stupid thing to say/feel, but I've never felt like I was good enough for anyone. Every time I meet someone.. I always feel like they could do so much better.
So, when I heard Pajai say that.. I felt a tugging at my heart. God was speaking to me... He wanted me to know that I'm perfect in His eyes... no matter what my past may look like, no matter how broken and scarred I am from it all.. I'm still worthy of His love and I'm still good enough for someone out there. AND that I should be happy with all of my physical features :)
Lots of tears shed this past weekend.

It's been a while since I've updated on here. I've come to realize that everyone in the states thinks being in Korea is like the coolest thing ever.. and it is. I felt that way too..that's why I'm here. But living here.. I feel like it's so normal.  I don't really know what to write or make a video about..because to me it seems normal, but to others..it's probably really really cool. Plus, it's hard to make videos without looking like a total tourist.. and I feel weird filming and talking while walking by myself. But I will be going to a Women's retreat with the Jubilee church next weekend so hopefully I'll get some of that on video. AND a lot of the hmong people here are planning to meet up at the end of this month for a total hmong food cookout/potluck thing so I will definitely get that on video for everyone to see.

Long blog.
Peace out.